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The Time Traveler’s Ass

Part One:
The Great Ingot of Pure Time

The naked buttocks of a time traveler is the last thing one would see if they were to watch the entire process of a time traveler traversing into the great ingot of pure time.
Of course few people get the distinct pleasure of watching as a chrononaut tips their head and winks away, a blast from the past or back to the future, as it were. The process of going into the great ingot of pure time takes about five seconds from our point of view, but is a complete instant from the point of view of the time traveler.
As a chrononaut goes beyond our realm of straight-line time-space, the first things to disappear from our point of view are their outer clothes, if the time traveler so wishes to wear them. Before us would stand the time traveler with not but their socks and underwear. In the culture of time travelers, this moment is called ‘going undercover’.
Going undercover is immediately followed by the quick disappearance of any and all body hair and tattoos the chrononaut may possess. This moment is known as going ‘pi bald’. So called ‘pi’ because of a truly horrible pun involving a mathematical paradox in time shapes and a trans-butt hyper-metal post-love bio-ballad heartbreaker from the year 3867 HK entitled, “The One with the Little Spoo Pi”.
The next to fade away into the great ingot of pure time are the limbs from the metatarsals and metacarpals inwards, as well as the face faintly imploding from the ears, nose and lips. ‘Going Cheshire’, as they say, seeing as how the only remnants of the face are the teeth and two small almond shaped pieces of brain. The teeth will fade as the neck meets the crotch in the blank canvas of the time traveler’s heart, leaving the two floating almond shaped pieces of grey matter above a twinkling ass.
If one were lucky enough to be watching this amazing process from behind the time traveler, this would be the ‘ass out’ moment. For about one half of a second the perfect cheeks of a disappearing time traveler’s butt would gleam like the majesty of the Earth’s summer moon.
The great ingot of pure time is thusly achieved.
According to several accounts by time travelers, the first time one is actually present in the great ingot of pure time, it feels as if one has been there before. They call it the ‘afterlife’, because it truly is the kind of majestic waiting room one would expect to find in an afterlife. But that feeling of having been there before is only the first time a chrononaut is observing time as a physical presence using the two brain almonds, which are called the amygdalae, from the Greek for almond.
In the time traveler’s ‘previous life’ before they met the great ingot of pure time, their amygdalae were two small ganglions of their limbic systems adjoining the temporal lobes of their brains, which they used to sense emotions.
Emotion is actually a time dimensional sensory experience, individual manifestations of which are called chronotes, which non-time travelers experience in a myriad of ways. Chronotes in the 3D world are known as emotions such as fear, anxiety, love, happiness and regret, sensed and observed through the amygdalae. The time traveler’s amygdalae are to their eyes, in that as their eyes see colors, their amygdalae biddle chronotes.
Sayings such as ‘love fades’, or ‘time heals all wounds’, or ‘it takes time’, or ‘it was the time of my life’ make perfect sense to the time traveler biddling a chronote.
The reason the amygdalae and the ass are the last to move into the afterlife of time travelers is because in the great ingot of pure time the only way time travelers can sense each other is to biddle each others unique and characteristic chronotes. And chronotes as nature saw fit are most readily and identifiably found in the buttocks of time travelers.

Part Two:
The Afterlife of Time Travelers

Time traveling is not the mysterious undertaking that it seems to be.
All time travelers have to register their amygdalae with the government of Afterlife. The sensory threshold of their sense of biddle measured and recorded. People with exceptionally high sensory perception in their amygdalae have their sense of biddle capped at a predetermined level and people with low senses of biddle are given enhancements to bring their sense of bidde to the legal standard for existence in Afterlife. The biddle enhancers are sort of like bifocals, but it is an cybernetic implant inserted through a permanent hole made in the roofs of their mouths. These biddle enhancers are called chrononetic chips, or in the parlance of time travelers, ‘dibblies’, which is a horrendous pun on the speech impediment of a certain pop star in the great ingot of pure time who always spoke in baby talk and every time he tried to say biddle it came out as dibblies.
Time travelers have their amygdalae registered so as to be legally obligated to go through an intermediary corporation for the majority of their time travel needs. One can time travel short distances without much trouble from the police, but get one parsec out of your time-space and you’ll be lucky to find an asshole to hide in before they have you in time cuffs.
When time travel first started it was a cavalier and maverick enterprise peopled with the most wily and unpredictable cyberpunks and hypertext outlaws this side of the Jacko Renaissance Belt. But like everything else it just got accumulated into the masses and everyone was doing it. There were even fundamentalist Christian time travelers who kept going back to the time of Christ and searching for him and his crucifixion.
Unfortunately once time travel was discovered and people went back to ask Jesus a few questions they were surprised to find that not one person had ever even heard of him. In fact, he never existed. Jesus Christ was a make-believe character, invented by a sociopathic Jewish poet, named Drackiel, around 17 BC. It was a story he used to scare his kids with, telling them that the bread they were eating was the crucified flesh of a heretic rabbi named Jesus.
At first the Christian time travelers were very disappointed by the news that their savior was in fact make believe. Eventually, and rather ironically detached to their own belief systems, they conspired to send a secret agent back and be born of a virgin, live a good life, teach the tenets of what could evolve into an early form of Christianity and then die by crucifixion. They attempted this a total of 13 times before finally giving up. Everyone of their secret agents ended up getting killed by angry mobs way before they could ever hope to set the ground works for one of the future world’s most dominant monotheistic religions.
This caused major riffs in the Afterlife and even spawned a few skirmishes between the various camps throughout the ingot. Everyone agreed that time travelers should be allowed to interfere with the past and the future, but had very different opinions on the nature of how this was supposed to happen. The two main factions were the Sky Bullies, a name given to them from the other camp because of their desire to insert secret agents in the places of historical figures who never existed. The second camp was called the Pine Boxers. Pine Boxer is of course a slur given to this camp from the camp of the Sky Bullies in retaliation to such a witty slur as ‘sky bully’. The name was supposed to be an insult to those who saw life as a birth and death cycle alone and that once it was over, that was it--make the best of it.
The last dregs of actual Christians in the universe (apart from Mormons, who would go on to form the Sky Bullies United Front) maintained that the Legend of Jesus was not the crazy rants of Drackiel, the Sociopath; but was success of the sixth secret agent sent back in time to be Jesus, a fellow known in the afterlife as Herpio Santora.
Similar stories happened with Muhammad, Buddha and Moses. In fact, most of the important figures in the history of humankind never existed, especially religious ones. Human history is peopled mostly with imaginary heroes and their obnoxiously silly stories. The things that actually eventually grow into major religions are never the teachings of a seer using logical spiritual reasoning. It is always from somewhere much weirder and much more real. The Pine Boxers even went as far, as to say that it is usually somewhere gross. Sky Bullies saw a moral obligation to keep the endangered spiritualism of humanity alive, even if it was for a virtual petting zoo.
It wasn’t until the year 3899 HK that reality was discovered to in fact be one of the cosmic constants, like the speed of light or the weight of an electron. Reality was a closed-loop string, which had been stretched during the middle of the big bang into the m-brane known as ‘the Mind of God Brane’, in honor of Albert Einstein’s hope to one day know the mind of god. Reality however is just plain weirder than the notion of the mind of a deity. It is consistently weirder than anything humans can ever hope to invent.
After time travel allowed humans to go into the ‘way future’ the weirdness of reality was more than observable over any construct humans had even imagined by the time of their extinction. For the first time in history, humans were able to watch the entire run of the evolution of their own species across the entire universe, and the eventual evolution of humanity into literally billions of other species.
When seen from the eyes of a time traveler, humans only existed as humans in the Milky Way Galaxy, for a few metro-parsecs. By the time their decedents made it to the Alpha Centauri Galaxy humans had long since ceased to exist, even as time travelers. Most human ancestors were by then something like a photosynthesizing space whale. Their bodies were long and bulbous, with skin that was a mix between an exoskeleton, blubber and clone-ready photosynthetic stem cells. It kept out ultra-violet rays and kept the inner organs warm enough to make living in space virtually delicious.
This was not normal Darwinian evolution by this point. It is called the Mork Point when discussing the evolution of intelligent species in the universe. Once a species understands its own evolution enough to adapt it to their own purposes, they have reached the Mork Point.
Unfortunately, some human institutions also survived and evolved. They were weird enough to survive in reality, but stupid enough to be appallingly human in origin. Corporations by the year 3457 HK were multidimensional rather than multinational. They were everywhere and everywhen at all points and parsecs of the known universe.
The criticism most often leveled against the largest time traveling corporation in Afterlife, Time Share Inc., is their security procedures. Their security queue area is literally a lifetime to trudge about. It’s not that the queue area is a long wait. It is that the queue area is 11 dimensional. It is actually unbearably small and harder to find than the definition of meaning in a white hole.
It is theoretically 11 dimensional for security reasons, but most chrononauts say that it is arbitrarily 11 dimensional because of the Afterlife’s prime minister, Hassie Komuvadge. They say it could be 6 dimensional and work just fine, but Komuvadge’s brother is in the 11 dimensional construction business. Most chrononauts, say at the expense of everyone, for the Komuvadge family to keep making money, people are now legally ensnared to quest about in the 11 dimensional time travel security queue area and have their chronotes biddled this way and that, from whence to when. All of their strings have to be tested, their m-branes scanned and taken off and put through interrogation, made to count the alphabet backwards in a foreign language and then forced in proxy to bring a magical relic back from uncharted imaginary civilizations, for use in secret corporate rituals involving super snails. All for the simple task of allowing one the legal use of their own amygdalae to chronoport as they seem fit.

Part Three:
Concerning the First Time Traveler in History

“Welcome to the afterlife, the line starts back there,” was the first thing the first human to time travel heard when they first time traveled.
No one really cared that the first human to time travel did in fact for the first time just time travel, because there was a line of people already there, waiting in the security queue area. To be honest, they actually pushed this original time traveler rather maliciously to the back of the area. One young lady even threw a spool of ookle-rotch at him. (Ookle-rotch is a really disgusting kind of hair-like dairy product from the year 3189 AD that people would use to induce astro-bulimia).
In the great ingot of pure time, this first time traveler, his name was Brixton Verde, appeared every few miles at various points along the ingot claiming to be the first time traveler in history. But, it was a simple case of crying wolf. Brixton felt that if he told enough people in the afterlife, that they were bound to take notice.
What they really were bound to do is not give a shit and tell him to close his ‘stupid fucking hot dog hole’.
The thing about time travel is that time is a physical presence. It is not as if once you enter the great ingot of pure time that you are now a pan-chrononaut, that you can just experience time in its completeness. You don’t just magically know everything that ever happened and are now aware of everything you have done or will do, making it impossible to exercise free will.
Time travel is a manifestation, like space is a manifestation. One can walk from Los Angeles to New York, but it will take a long time. Just as easily one can travel from the1950s to the 2890s, which are marvelously similar periods in Earth’s history, but drastically apart from each other chronologically.
It would take much ambulation from 1952 to 2892. So much so that it wouldn’t be worthwhile. One needs a vessel to travel in, and there are literally millions of options at your disposal, once you reach the afterlife.
We are all time traveling at this very moment creeping very slowly at a rate of one second per second into the future. Someone traveling from the 1950s will only reach the 2020s in about seventy years, which is a rather normal life span for most humans on Earth during the 20th and 21st Centuries.
Going to the afterlife is literally right next to the normal speed of time as we experience it.
Brixton Verde realized this time factoid in a very simple and arcane way when he first entered into the afterlife. It wasn’t a motion he could do with his body, it was a movement performed with his amygdalae, a sensory organ that could sense itself over into that great ingot of pure time.
When we say ‘that doesn’t make sense,’ it is a statement that really has its basis in biology. It doesn’t make sense, because we cannot sense it, we need tools to do that, tools such as infrared cameras and radars and sonograms. Things make sense when we bring them into our realm of sensory perception. We have to view the ultraviolet colors through filters, which put them in the range of our world’s visible colors.
Biologically we have the sensory equipment for traveling about time, but not to travel in time relative to its actual physicality.
When time travel finally did catch on there was a renaissance so to speak in chrono-engineering. Amygdalae implants and dibblies connected to various modes of chronoporting. Patents were littering the known world. Inventors were all reckless and enthusiastic about designing the best and most efficient chronoporters. Wright brothers were aloft, the time traveler’s ass no longer an uncommon sight.

-- Recorded by Charles Skookum, Staten Island, New York, 2008
Produced by the Mighty Robokonon and his Cosmic Co-Ed
Nathan Shafer, 2008
Meme-Team Vice-Curatorial Tactical Imagineer